Some Thoughts on “Call”

As many of our dear friends and family know well, our discernment process has been a long journey often wrought with confusion, tears, wondering where God was and what he was doing, transient feelings of excitement about various possibilities, disappointments at their eventual demise, feeling like we had no skills to use in work or ministry. Why did we even begin this journey? We have a great set-up in Pasadena: dear, lifelong friends, awesome church community, fulfilling work at Fuller for Matthew, marriage groups for both of us, couples therapy for me, great community of kids and moms for our boys, ready access to nature and a plethora of options for family fun and entertainment (LA zoo, hiking the San Gabriel mountains, Descanso Gardens, LA Arboretum, outdoor parks, indoor playgrounds, the fountain at Paseo, free concerts in every park during the summer, beaches, ethnic food of all varieties….oh the list could go on). Yet despite our fondness for life in Pasadena, we both are left with a deep, persistent sense that this is not where we belong, dare we admit to it, not where we felt…. “called.” And thus began our discernment process to inquire of God where this may be.

And what does “call” even really mean? Is there such a thing as “call?” Neither of us resonates with the idea that God’s will is like a train track--rigid, unforgiving, inflexible and non-relatable. Rather, we think of our lives as a boat in the ocean, gently guided and directed by God’s will, the wind; most certainly driven yet responsive and flexible to our moves, ever with us and journeying with us. But the lingering question was: does God have ONE specific route for us? An eventual settling place? Or is it rather a combination of our desires, God-given characteristics and giftings that, when submitted to God, can look a variety of ways, all with God’s approval and blessing, even design? Or can it be either way depending on the person?

So you can see how our process has been a long one.

Recently we went to Spain to inquire into a particular leading we felt from God. This was the result of years of prayer and discernment and more recently several months of conversations with some people ministering there to Spaniards and the Spanish church. As a result of this experience, I (Melinda) have several thoughts about “call,” or at least God’s very palpable, discernable guidance in our lives since we began intentionally asking him to reveal to us what he’d like us to do. I don’t presume to think this is how God works in everyone’s life; I trust God is much bigger and wiser than me and can work just as he sees fit in others’ lives. But this has been our journey; hopefully it can provide some encouragement to other peregrines seeking God’s specific invitation.

Our discernment process intentionally began in Jan. 2011. Three months later we learned, to our surprise and initial disbelief, that I was pregnant. Changes had to be made immediately—our housing, work, and financial situation did not support the growth of our family. We ended up moving back into Fuller housing (asking “what’s up, God? Really? Back onto campus again? Are we stepping backwards?”), selling a car to save money since Matthew could walk to work. Another family moved into our complex on the same day—the Nix family, CRM staff who re-introduced us to CRM. Fast forward several months (and another beautiful baby boy larger!), and we get a random loud knock on our door. To our surprise it is Jeff and Sara Simons, dear friends we had been out of touch with, and CRM staff in Spain. They were supposed to meet friends for dinner and thought they were knocking on their door! We reconnected with them, spoke at length about our discernment process and what we had learned thus far, and they connected us with a CRM mobilizer who ended up inviting us to Greece to lead their MK youth at their agency-wide staff retreat. At this conference we met and were pursued by Randy and Doralicia Gonzales and Charissa Pletcher, CRM staff in Spain. Several in-depth conversations later and we were invited to take the next step with them to visit Spain and get a feel for them, the team, and the ministry they are doing with Spaniards. And in the midst of this process and series of no-doubt Divine appointments were several confirmations, answered unspoken prayers, unexpected connections and amazing provision.

Now, looking at this list one might wonder how we could possibly have felt the feelings listed at the beginning of this entry—seems pretty clear that God has been present and very much involved with our process. Yet, all of this took place over the course of two years; most in the second year. Looking back and connecting the dots I am able to see God’s presence and work behind the scenes of my anxious, doubting self. I’ve learned in so many profound ways how God does not rush us to a future goal; our journey is precious and he uses it to gently, slowly (as we think of it!), mold, shape, and change us. To make us more like Jesus. This is God’s ultimate “goal” for us.

It has been such a joy and deep encouragement for me to read back through my journal over the past few years and to be able to connect the dots. At the time it felt painful and lonely. Now it is reassuring. [Mel, God’s got you. He’s got good stuff planned; stuff that includes all of who he created you to be and all he’s allowed you to experience—suffering and joy alike. There will be challenges along the way, but He’s with you and always has been. Now step forward, and trust. Wheh. Ok, God, help my unbelief!]

So is there such thing as “call?” I think so. At least, I know that God wants us to seek his presence and active involvement in our lives. When we do this, he invites us to be a part of what he’s doing. I think “call” can be fluid, seasonal, with various degrees of specification. But I’m confident God is present, active, with us. Maybe we won’t feel this in the moment or in particular seasons of life and it will take time before we can look back and see the beautiful intricacies of the tapestry he is weaving in our lives. But the certainty of his presence and involvement is all I really need to know.